BLACK and WHITE

Never have I ever met a gentleman like him. He’s got everything that my stupid heart would wish to forget, if only there were ever such a thing. Another sigh, another blink of an eye before I realized all that’s left with me are fragments of his picture in my mind.

When was the last time I saw him? Well, I don’t remember. He’s always such a rush, forever hanging me on the cliff’s edge, just like the first time we met again. Was it on February? Yes, I clearly remember-it was Valentines’ day. Nelly had hosted the party that day for no promising reason and being her unfortunate dear friend, I had to bear the brunt. Had it not been for the rains, what a pleasure would it be trekking at this point of the year rather than holding a champagne glass like a wallflower I am in the midst of ‘lovers’. My eyes roamed everywhere-sometimes towards a hopelessly romantic couple grooving under the yellow-lit ephemeral skies then to lovebirds muffled in hugs and cuddles, cozy to the point where I thought it best to simply look away or perhaps at young hearts humming to the melody of ticking clocks until pause…until I caught sight of someone across the pool.

I scrutinized to make sure it was the one. I couldn’t be surer; it was him-Charlie, eh? He was standing there, as charming as a knight in his black tux, with a bunch of red roses in his hand and behold, those ethereal eyes, as strands of curly hair intruded them. How magical the whole thing seemed, only those roses were not for me. I know not how on earth did he land there but I knew that I was not in a condition to associate myself with him, not even through a mere glance. The best possible decision I took at that moment-I cornered myself in the balcony like a criminal thinking that no one would track me down. Unfortunately, Charlie did. Slowly approaching, he called out, “Emilia, here’s something for you”, handing me a small gift that seemed nothing smaller than a sandwich. I had the sudden urge to thank him for it but thank goodness, before I even uttered anything he told, “It’s from an old friend, told to take care of it.” Then he paused. Looking far away in the distance, he simply sighed and left, leaving me all puzzled.

My family and Charlie’s were family friends and still are to some extent except for me and him who seem to have been deceived by time as we outgrew even the little friendship we had. As a kid, he possessed the most charming of dispositions and with the most endearing smile would come and pick me up for our music classes together. I love music but my young mind had decided that if a mortal’s deepest contrite emotions could be deciphered through music, how much more could one cipher them through poetry. Soon, I began bunking my music classes so as to spare some fleeting hours in the library nearby. I knew that I was going to long for the times when I would seat myself at a safe distance, all the while gazing at him play his favorite piano pieces. But I suppose we found our peace in different worlds. So I dropped my music classes while he went on to make piano his forte.

Charlie never talked much or maybe never enough. The only things that got him into talking were piano ballads and soccer, both of which I had neither inclination nor knowledge about. Although we had small talks every once in a while I was quite aware that I was out of his league, so I took utmost care to like him only from a distance, lest I should be building an entire empire with him in my pipedreams. At one moment, all I saw was a sleepy head zoning out in the midst of any given situation and in the next moment, the jolliest kid chortling around his parents like their blue-eyed boy he is, until life decided to play its nasty tricks on him. Charlie’s dad died in a plane crash, after which he shut everyone out. He shifted his school and I thought I lost track of the only grey cloud that used to give me so much peace. But what was I to him anyway; another mere acquaintance-nothing more, nothing less. With all the courage in the world had I written letters to him inquiring about his wellbeing- all left unrequited. Pages turned when I heard from him a year later.

I was invited to his 16th birthday party and it relieved me to think that things had gone well for him and looked forward to seeing that old naïve and cheerful Charlie. But people cannot always stay the same, can they? Fair enough, he seemed to have the time of his life with his step brother, but I knew there was no warmth even in that smile anymore. As I watched him from afar- the haughty dupe he had become, I slowly put aside the letter that I wanted to give him since eons and slid it into the dustbin where it truly belonged. Hopefully, my poetry book I gifted him would have done justice, or so I thought.

As I was preparing to leave, someone near shot a popper and in that startle, I hastily stepped back only to knock down Charlie’s piano keyboard. In desperation, I tried to amass its broken pieces when Charlie grabbed my hand from behind. “Have you lost your mind? That was a gift from my…father”, Charlie roared at my face. For the first time, as I looked him right in the eye, I regretted my affection for him and only said, “ I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to…I can get another one for you, if you want…”“Oh really, Emilia. And where do you think you can get those premium ones from? From your dad’s garage?” he sneered. I leased my hands and retorted, “ You’re no more the person I used to know, Charlie. And let me tell you, for once, I’m not grievous that your father is not alive to see the person you’ve become.” Everyone saw me storm out of the room but no one knows how much I cried as I ran home.

Mortals are unpredictable and thereby their actions, and every turn of events that follow. Regardless of the unpredictability that my mind itself suffered from, it made me whole whenever I sat by the beloved library’s window all the while, the chilling breeze from the alps fluttering the pages of an antique book and some scattered letters all over the table. Call me an oldie, but at the end of the day, after I’ve said my prayers, if I stop mentioning you with ink on my diary, just know that you have mortified that spot I have for you in my heart. But it only looked like I’d been fooled by my expectations that Charlie’s absence would be an antidote to my romantic solitaire self. No one knows what lies in the next few moments of your being unless you have pondered upon the previous details of your existence and lie in await of their outcomes. It is regretful to say that I began reviving that spot for him when we met again and even more when I opened the curious gift. I was guessing that pesky Sam might have sent it when I found a mix tape. However, it didn’t require me to be on tenterhooks long enough as I continued with a letter that read:

Dear Emilia,

Didn’t think I’d meet you tonight. Four years, been a long time, don’t you think? Umm…if you’re reading this it’s just an old friend writing to you, the same person who still regrets his behavior of that dreadful birthday party. If I’m being honest, I’ve been thinking about you for quite a while now and I’m not sure if you’ll forgive me but I wrote this in the hope that you will. I’m sorry for whatever I did; I’ve got no excuses here. And one more thing…I don’t know if I’m being shameless or bold but would you like to come to my birthday party? If you did forgive me, I’ll see you on 6th April, 4:00 p.m., at my residence.

PS: Excuse my eleventh hour gift :)

-Always

Charlie

This ‘old friend’ seems to have a funny sense of timing. I was only starting to get the hang of being all by myself than he showed up and now the table’s been turned. Oh! Should I call it a tragedy? The following days until his birthday was a daily oscillation between “Everything was dead and buried, remember? Now what’s the point of showing up-just for the sake of clearing off his guilt?” and “You probably don’t wanna miss having this wreck mended. How long will you live with that scar that he has inflicted?” At this point, I felt it was high time I stopped dodging the truth and deal this matter with honesty. I think everyone deserves a second chance; otherwise I’m afraid there would be no enough room for improvement. So apparently I went for the latter and only hoped that 6th April would be a good day. When I arrived at the party, I knew no one and my convos with some only looked like I was skimming over some prosaic books. Helping with the desserts seemed like a fine idea which meant either I had to be stuck in the pastry kitchen or in the yard distributing the pastries. I was so engrossed in the tiny happy business, that I didn’t realize I hadn’t wished the birthday boy yet until the party was over. After tidying myself up, I looked ‘round for him alone in the balcony and probably admiring the sunset.

“Hey Charlie… Happy Birthday, I hope I’m not late,” I said, tapping on his shoulder. “Oh! Heya, thank you…Was looking for you, I thought you didn’t come,” replied he, turning towards me. “Mm-mm, I get it. Actually, got a bit caught up with the pastries and stuffs. By the way, nice party, you must love it, don’t you?” I asked. “Well, you could say, it’s more of my farewell party too. I’ll be staying for a couple of months still and then leave for my music diploma soon afterwards. So my family, they wanted to make it big this time.” “I see. And hey, thank you for the gift. Here, I got something for you too,” handing him a piano keyboard as his birthday gift, “I know this could not make up for the previous one, but still.” “You didn’t have to do this. Really means a lot, thank you.” “Pleasure. Seems like you’re enjoying the sunset, I guess I’ll get going,” I said as I was about to turn away. “Emilia, stay...please.” Everything seems bizarre when it happens for the first time; I felt the same. I sat down beside him and only after a few moments of awkward silence, he spoke up. “Sunsets remind me of my dad. We received the news somewhere around this time and ever since, I don’t know I get this strange feeling when I look at it, as if I did something bad.” “Don’t worry, the sun won’t sue you for anything.” He chuckled and said, “You’re different”. I gasped from within at this ambiguous statement, doubting my tone. Anyways, we talked about our lives and all that jazz until I asked, “That day…uh…you have a girlfriend?” “Had” he returned, “Saw her with another guy that red-letter day. Nothing to lose, good for me, I guess. What about you, your boyfriend?” “What makes you think I’ll have one?” Strangely, our conversation went on longer than expected and I don’t think I ever want to forget that feeling I had for a short eternity.

It was another usual day at the library: peaceful mornings, bookworms as far as the library stretched, growing overdue fines, another book section in chaos, except for an unusual afternoon-unusual visitor, to be precise. Charlie came by on a bicycle but he was not alone; he brought another bicycle and it looked like it wanted a rider and my bones, a bit of an exercise. We rode around old neighborhoods, visited our former music teacher, savored some ice cream, while the setting sun watched us ride back home. This went on, mostly during weekends, when both of us had our duties at ease and weren’t too busy for refusing to hang out. As much as it seemed, Charlie needed some company while in his effort to make the most of the two months he had before he left the town. Despite our polar differences in almost everything, it didn’t keep us from getting the thrill out of our own ideas of amusement. From watching soccer matches together to raiding the library’s classics section, treating ourselves at a bistro to attending his mini concerto- every moment we shared was beyond wholesome. How I wished for time to freeze, but it had to do its part and even before we got to read into each other’s hearts, our last day together had come. That day felt rare. Charlie and I didn’t really go anywhere; we only picked some flowers for my journal in a meadow not very far away and we were quiet, most of the time. I thought the day was going unusually slow until I saw the sun and you could imagine how brutally deceived I felt. We watched the sunset and I quietly looked into his eyes and one thing was for sure, “This is the Charlie I fell for, not quite the same anymore, but better. And there’s no way I could even imagine losing him again.” For a brief moment, our eyes met and after I’ve looked away, he said, “I’m glad we met again”. “And I’m gladder I found you again,” I replied.

The next day came. He had requested me to come early to the airport, before his flight. It got me thinking but I headed off anyway, he probably just wanted to have a proper farewell, I thought. When I arrived, I saw him lurching towards me as if bounded by a weight down his chest. “Hey, thank you for coming. I know you’re quite busy at the library but it’ll only take a moment, I promise.” “No problem, what is it?” I assured. “I’ve been wanting to tell you something for a long time and I think it’s high time I told you.” “Go on”. “Actually, umm…my brother likes you a lot. I mean, my step brother, Stefan. Ever since he read that poetry book you gave me on my birthday, he’s been curious about you. He’s going to be in town in a few days and so maybe you guys could catch up” he said, everything stifled in stammers. I felt numb and my hopes that I was building up came crushing down all over again. “You’re leaving in ten minutes and that’s all you got to tell me?” I asked. “Look, Emilia, Stefan is a fine guy. He is a drummer, he writes too; he is creative, sophisticated rough diamond, he might just be the perfect one for you.” “You’re unbelievable. How can you even say things like that? I barely know him.” “I get it, but if you only give it a chance, you never know.” “Wait, so all this time, everything you ever did was only a means of getting through to me for your brother.” “Don’t get me wrong. I just wanna make it even for my brother. Is it wrong that I wish to give him back what he gave me- an escape from void.” “What about me, then? You think I’ve been empty all these years just to see myself end up with someone I know nothing about, simply because you tell me to.” “Listen, I want you to be happy too. Once you two meet up and get to know each other, you know, things might actually work out for you both.” “That’s not the point, Charlie,” I said, walking away from him. “What’s the point, then? At least give me a valid reason why you’re so unwilling for this. Is there someone else? Is it that neighbor of yours or that library assistant, or perhaps the florist you were talking about the other day?” “Stop it, Charlie, please.” “Not until you answer my question. Why can’t you just tell…” “It’s you. It has always been you. I thought I got rid of you long time ago but, I was wrong. Because the truth is- I can never love anyone else the way I loved you. Now I wish I didn’t,” saying that I left him and never looked back. As I was riding back home, my mind was clouded by all the things I said and heard and felt when all in a flash, everything doomed before my very eyes. I didn’t have the time to realize that my fate was about to be stained by a wound utterly blemishing, simply inconsolable, in just a slip of a hand. There, I lied senseless on the road; my eyes only saw vague images of ambulances and fuzzy shadows with the endless sound of ambulance sirens and bustling crowds, tinkling in my ears and slowly dwindling in my head.

***

I don’t have an inkling of how long I’ve been lying here; I’m guessing weeks. All I see is in black and white- home, the library, piano keys, flowers, skies, unsaid words, sunsets and the past. I hear my family and friends, doctors and nurses conversing with me every once in a while in the hope of a slightest response, but feels like I’ve been disappointing them. I heard it’s a July morning; nothing’s new, except for the warmer morning breeze and the vicinity being more silent than usual. I don’t know if I’m very comfortable with this silence but now that I hear someone walking in, I expect nothing better than good company. Dear visitor, thank you for the lavenders. If I had not been bound in this seemingly never ending dream, I would’ve bear-hugged you and let you know I’m grateful you’re here. I would’ve said… “Goodness knows I missed you,” said a familiar voice, “If only I knew this had happened.” My soul sighed deeper than any of the darkest secrets as I heard this voice. Not again, Charlie. Have I not tried to walk away from you, in the hope that we’d be better off that way? Do you not understand that I don’t want you around me anymore because I’m afraid…I’m afraid I’ll fall for you again, while you won’t. I expected him to stop coming after a day or two. But who knew he’ll be coming everyday; and in all honesty, I would care less if he didn’t sit beside me for long tiring hours which made me feel as though it was worth hoping that I’m going to see the light of the day again, not just for him but for all of my loved ones as well.

Even after all that happened, ever wondered if we’ll make it this far? I’m not very sure how Charlie would respond to that but I guess I’ve always feared if I ever understood my heart. But now Charlie makes me want to let go of that fear. When he’s around, it feels like a serendipitous stroke of spectacular spectra simply splashed the uneven patterns of my dream with its splendor. Everyday with him is an excuse from the reality that things have changed after the accident; that my life is dangling by a thread, apparently; that I’ve been laying still for months, adamant to not lift anyone’s hopes up; that I’m in no state to sit beside Charlie when he glides his fingers over those keys in black and white of an instrument so enthralling, known to make one feel the resonance of that spellbinding sound even without laying a finger on it. I’m happy at this moment because I’ve got a reason to. But I’ll be careful about one thing-not to hope that he’ll love me back.

Soft mist snuggles the canopy of golden trees, birds with their jovial chirp return to their warm homes, the sun slowly hiding away over the horizon perfectly smearing the faces of every beautiful creation and that is when you know evening has come. It’s a November evening; not really a time for visitors, or so I thought. I hear footsteps approaching me and I’m not sure if it’s the doctor or…“Nice to meet you, Emilia. Probably not the kind of first encounter that either of us would’ve expected, no? Oh right, my bad, I’m Stefan, the one my brother mentioned, undoubtedly. It’s weird, don’t you think? You and me, no acquaintance yet need no introduction. Ugh! I’m talking rubbish. Let’s get straight to the point; I saw you for the first time on Charlie’s 16th birthday and I really was enchanted. Damn, then I read those poems you wrote and I’d decided I’ll get you anyhow. And Charlie was a good source of help. Of course, he refused to talk about you after the incident but I somehow got him to reveal some crude details about you, not very helpful. Then I left for my further studies and meanwhile you guys met again and soon he began sending letters to me telling me about you. I was obviously glad but his tone in the letters did not go out of my notice. It felt like he was only journaling his best experiences down rather than addressing me like he should. I normalized it, keeping in mind the kind of person he was. But when I came back home, I was stunned to see Charlie do things he has never done before, braver and kinder. And only I knew who he was with this whole time. Poor him, he keeps blaming himself for the disaster; the guilt is real. Let me tell you, he has never cried for anyone except his father and now, it’s you. That was when I knew how much you meant to him.”

I refuse to believe that all that I just heard is true. Is this some kind of fraud happening with me or what? I don’t quite know what to think at the moment. “And one more thing, I apologize for the trouble that I may have caused. By the by, I’m getting engaged, just got back with my ex, haha.” “Hey Stefan, what brings you here?” It was Charlie. “Well, I thought of sharing my engagement plans with Emilia and also things about you and everything.” “What things, exactly?” “Oh Charlie, you ask way too many questions. Anyways I’ve got some work to catch up. You guys carry on. See you soon, Emilia.” “I don’t understand this guy sometimes. He’s getting engaged; I thought it’d be good for you to know that. Just wanted to make sure you’re alright. I’ll be back tomorrow, ‘kay? Good night.”

Charlie, I wish you’d stay with me right now. This is all a bit too overwhelming for me to take in. I don’t feel good, it’s getting uneasy…I feel my pulses skyrocketing…Please, someone help…

***

I’m probably in the trauma unit right now. The space in the room feels different but not the one in my head. I’m still sleeping; it’s still suffocating here. I don’t want to die yet; I have dreams, I still haven’t even made it up to a good life and marry in white; I cannot abandon everyone midway, not like this. I love you mom, dad and I love you, Charlie.

“I love you, Emilia. I’m sorry it took me a while to say this. It’s probably my fault that I struggle in making people feel loved. That day at the airport, only after you left I realized that I lost another person who truly loved me. I should’ve hold back, shouldn’t have let you go. If you can hear me right now, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I felt a tear drop down my cheek. I must be dreaming in a dream. Is it not the same Charlie who simply proved how insignificant my love was over the years? Tell me that you’re lying, Charlie, just tell me this is not the truth because if it were, you don’t know how much it’ll hurt me to think that there is nothing I can do and who knows if I’ll ever be able to.

“I wouldn’t lie, not this time. Don’t think that I was unaware about your feelings for me. Well…on my 16th birthday, my keyboard’s pieces, I was just about to discard them when I found a curious grunge envelope with a seal that you often used, in the dustbin. For a second, I convinced myself that I won’t read it but I had a feeling that I would regret it if I didn’t. Who would’ve thought it contained the most heartrending letter someone ever wrote to me. I didn’t think I was the kind of person anyone would love. I was already feeling guilty after you left and more after I read the letter. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I even thought of making it up to you, but in vain. Life seemed to take us far away and I thought I had forgotten about you until we crossed paths on that fateful Valentines’ day. Your discomfort in seeing me was quite evident, so I thought it best to just keep it friendly. What I didn’t foresee was that I the more time I spent with you, the more I fell for you. I hope you don’t think that I did all this for the sole reason of bringing you closer to my brother. Certainly, I kept his feelings in mind but those moments spent with you, they were only between you and me. If I have ever been genuinely happy, that was with you.”

Perhaps, I’m assured that every moment with you was worth the while, Charlie. Love never comes easy, and maybe that’s why it’s the greatest of all. I know life has been harsh on you and some days you feel like you don’t deserve love because of the person you are or simply because of the things you’ve gone through. But just to let you know, you’re never alone. So, if you ever feel out of love, I hope you know I loved you once and I always will.

“Why won’t you say anything? Maybe you could show just a single sign that you’re here with me. I’m scared now. Emilia, please wake up. I’ll never be able to forgive myself if you don’t…”and he left the room.

I’ll always remember you, Charlie, not as someone whom I loved head over heels but as someone who loved me silently and made me see beauty even in that monochromatic space in my head. What are colors? They’d say, they are mere hues emanating from the light of their souls. But consider this: colors are a testimony to the gains and pains that you’ve endured so as to open your eyes to the imperfect yet chromatic world of a million hidden and conspicuous emotions of your friends and acquaintances or even foes. As for me, with all grace, my eyes once again opened to a world I should be grateful for, as I leave that long dream I had in black and white.